Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Adventures of Pooh

******Warning*****If you are of a squeamish nature, get grossed out easily; if you are not the middle child sandwiched between two brothers who showed you their chewed food and called the crust of meatloaf “scabs” or have a nervous tummy LOOK AWAY. I apologize in advance for the Shamefull Content of this blog post. Tis the nature of the BEAST we call Health Care.

People never cease to amaze me. I am fascinated by the outstanding actions of the human kind. Good and bad, and WEIRD.

So, it started out a normal day at the health care center. All the physician morning schedules booked with patients and procedures, phones were ringing, computers (working fine today, thanks for noticing) up and humming, printers printing etc. At around 8:30 a.m. a husband and wife team walked in and approached the front desk area.
Husband: “My wife was here on Saturday, she has diarrhea and a fever and she’s not getting better”.
Receptionist: “We have an opening at 9:00 sir, we can squeeze her in at that time…”
Husband: “YOU don’t understand, I’m not waiting here 2 hours, I WILL be seen before then”.
(Neanderthal Man, thinking he can push all the other sick and needy, sometimes even emergent patients aside for his wife, who isn’t getting better)
Receptionist spies wife tucked behind him looking pale and pasty like the Stay Puff marshmallow man.
Receptionist: “Sir, I can ask a nurse to take her back to an exam room to wait, that way she won’t be waiting out here while she feels so poorly, but the doctor is in with a procedure and there are three other patients ahead of you, so there will be a wait”.
Husband: “We aren’t going to wait 2 hours I can tell you that!”. (Ok, we’re fine with that, we aren’t an emergency room, or urgent care center, we are YOUR TYPICAL DOCTOR”S OFFICE)

A nurse calls the wife and husband back, to walk them down the hall to an exam room. She notices that the wife is carrying a plastic bag with a Tupperware container in it. The wife then states that she has had diarrhea since Saturday, hasn’t been able to keep any food in her because “it just pours out." Doctor had told her that if the diarrhea persisted she may have to have her stool tested for parasites.
The nurse turned her right around to take her to the lab. She didn’t have an order for a stool culture, but looks like she brought something with her just in case. The lab tech greets her and the lady reveals a TUPPERWARE CONTAINER FULL OF DIARRHEA! Oh Joy! How’d that happen? Yeah, I guess she sat her germy booty on a plastic bowl instead of the porcelain we all know and love.

Pause just a moment for the Tupperware representative in our reading audience who will now bawl like a baby and pass out.

The lab tech calmly gave her a pair of gloves, a clean specimen container, and a biohazard bag for the remaining remnants, and escorted her to the bathroom. She could dip the small specimen container into the bowl herself, that is, IF the doctor wanted a specimen tested of course.

I mean GEEZE, I nearly threw up in my mouth when I’d heard that there was someone who apparently sat on a Tupperware (sorry plastic container lovers) bowl and caught her vile excrement as it expelled her nasty bowels. AS IF!!! EWWWWWW.
SERIOUSLY, Lady, only a dip stick size portion is needed to send it away for testing, IF that is what the doctor orders.

Turns out, she has a viral intestinal bug. Has to run it’s course, no need for antibiotics, just supportive care. And here’s the good part….wait for it…she didn’t even take anything at home to try to stop the flood of diarrhea, you know, like over the counter medicines like Immodium or Pepto Bismal, or even a liquid bland diet. Nope, just continued to eat pizza, lasagna, Taco Bell Crunch Wraps, and Gyros from Georgie’s. PLUH EEEEZE.

Note to all non clinical types out there. There is such a thing as over the counter drugs and remedies that were once prescription medications in some cases, and are now safe enough to use at home with your better judgment and common sense if you have it. Try it! Walk down the lovely aisles in Walgreens, or Target even, or hey, if you are of the Medicare set, try Walmart or Kmart – Martha does it! There are even lovely folks in white coats called pharmacists and pharmacist assistants who will help you mill around the salves and drops and nasal sprays for quick relief. If then if your synptoms persists, you can pay a co pay and see your doctor.

No one really needs a bucket of pooh, or a bowl of diarrhea. We believe you, you are sick, uh huh, we get it, it’s not Show and Tell. Dear readers, go right now and get a disposable paper towel and some antibacterial spray, wipe the screen I tell you, it’s germ-o-rific just in my telling of it. Swear, see they never cease to amaze me these wonderful creatures, these human beings we share the earth with.

All this before 10:00 a.m. Imagine, a day in the life of pooh. Do you think she washed the Tupperware bowl out to store leftovers in? Perhaps to serve some nice pasta salad at the next picnic.

****No Tupperware containers were harmed in the creating of this blog post, and the author apologizes for the crude albeit creative use of of plastic containers in general.

1 comment:

Lara@Paper Doll said...

O.M.G. I have IBS so I don't know how in the world that woman went on eating without her stomach squeezing into a tight little ball of stabbing pain. When I have an attack I take Immodium and -- here's the kicker -- I DON'T EAT.